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Battle Against the Recession

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Contributor:
Alex Johnson
Alex Johnson

The Recession Demon: A gigantic beast. Living atop of its mountain of debt, presinding over the world on a throne paper-mached from bounced checks inside its castle made from the discarded popsicle sticks of our youth, it glares down upon us.

 This week at least three of its masked operatives, aptly named "bank fees", "sudden rent increase" and "spending the night hours trying to drown your sorrow in pints" (an unfortunate name, that, and the memory relentless teasing he received in school lands much to his viscousness today) indaved my account and has left me penniless. And dollarless. Its a sad state of affairs when, at age 23 and supposedly self-sufficient, you have to ring your parents and beg for money. Not the kind of act that you want to brag to your mates about. More the kind of act that you bought at the local service station one lonely night and keep hidden guiltilly beneath your bed.

I know you know what I know to be talking about.

The Recession Demon has touched us all, cruelly. With rising cheese prices our main source of sustinence has dissapeared. Falling house prices have, like rising house prices, pushed up our rent. It is enough to make you want to give up on civilised life and start wearing trousers made out of newspaper as you scramble through the refuse of society. "What are we going to do?" I hear you ask "what are we going to do oh sage of the internets?"

I shall tell you.

 "THE TOP FIVE WAYS TO BATTLE THE DEMON OF RECESSION EXTRAVAGANZA! NOW WITH EXTRA EMPHASIS ON THE NEEDS OF YOUR SUMMER!"

Tip One: Eschew Meat. A recient study somewhere probably shows that most of our daily bread is spent on buying bread. If we want to be able to afford any beer whatsoever this summer as we laze around vairious beaches and waterfronts, meat, cheese, milk, fresh vegetables and their expensive ilk are all out of the question. Cans of tomatos can be found for 50c a pop. Stock up on these and with bulk bags of rice or pasta you can feed yourself for under a dollar a meal, and fight off the scurvy. If you really want the taste of meat, I find that rice, peas and meat flavoured gravy on toast to be a passable substitue.

Tip Two: Jandals. I know it should go without saying, but the other day a friend of mine turned up with a pair of shoes that cost two hundred dollars. A shoe. And extra if you got the small thingy in the sole that told you how much you had walked via the internet. For that much money I want shoes that will walk by themselves. No. Stick to the cheap jandals my friends. Not only will you save money through socks you do not have to wash, but they also make great mosquito/fly/rat clubs.

Tip Three: Wind Power. Sell your tv. The wind can provide hours of entertainment. The mixtre can be made at home and you can surpirse the local emo kids with swarms of bubbles. Its also socially and morally uplifting: who can feel upset with bubbles?

Tip Four: Serial Monogamy. It is known that one big meal costs less to make than many little meals. Two people in a shower means you only have to pay for half a shower. More people in one car means less people in cars of their own, using less expesive expensive fuel. Yes, it is maths, but numeracy standards are now mantatory ot shools so we should be able to manage it. The solution is clear: you have more money the more friends you have.

Tip Five: Shamelessness. Demons of all kinds feed on shame. Whether you are exprementing with household goods to see what ferments or wearing a sign saying "Will put on pants for $$", hold your head up high. Times are hard for all of us- don't feel bad about it.

With these five easy tips you shall be able to get that demon off your back and a beer in your hand this summer. And remember: its not deviant if everyone else is doing it.

Possibly next time on this excuse for a blog: Dream and your subconscious: a mirror into your soul or a way to torment those around you?

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