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Are You Going to Hell?

Samantha Lee
Samantha Lee
 Recently, I discovered I’m going to hell.
It was one of those days when there is just not enough Oprah in the world to keep you entertained, and so you start to think existentially for no apparent reason.
Having wondered if a tree really does make a sound if it falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, I then pondered life and death over my grande frappachino. Long story short, I figured it would be a good idea just to double check what the odds are, currently, for me ending up knocking on St Peter’s door, or hanging with Lucifer for all eternity.
There is an internet site  that helpfully provides this service, and if anybody else takes the quiz and ends up in The Malebolge, Eighth Level of Hell, then please introduce yourself; it’ll be nice to have some company.
Then, I wondered (as you do), if Britney Spears was going to be my Hell-buddy, because if anyone is going to hell…Oh, no, wait. According to her recent interviews, she’s already gone through hell. My bad.
Alright, who’s going to be my hellmate? Vote now, the polls are closing almost quicker than I can repent. I have discovered, through the eighteen minutes of rigorous research I did on the subject, that there are (according to Dante) nine levels of hell.
Plus Purgatory.
Then there is a chance that you’ll actually get to go to Heaven, as all dogs and true believers do.
So, what are the chances of me having an actual companion while I get whipped by horny, er, I mean, horned demons, and get ducked in boiling pitch?
Barack Obama:
Heaven: Everybody loves him; it’s a reasonable assumption God does too.
Hell: Of course, if he does actually turn out to be the spawn of the Anti-Christ, this one’s a no brainer.
Susan Boyle:
Heaven: She sings like an angel, has the most popular vote for the under-dog since Don Brash, and hasn’t succumbed to an extreme makeover…
Hell: …Yet.
Jon Stewart:
Heaven: He’s funny. God might not like gay people (NOM, America, 2009, watch the youtube video and its spoof here ), women (Spanish Inquisition, 1478), or people who covet thy neighbour’s wife (Exodus, The Bible), but He hasn’t said anything about comedians. Yet.
Hell: Because the Republicans really want to send him there, and everyone knows God talks to them.
John Key:
Heaven: He’s all about wearing Hawaiian shirts and breaking his arm in public, and God loves a martyr.
Hell: If Mr Key doesn’t eventually sell his own soul to the devil, I’m sure there are many Labour candidates happy to do it for him.
Paul Henry:
Heaven: Because he has the kind of self-righteous, hear-me-now-huddled-masses attitude that many a religious nut aspires to.
Hell: Because someone that metro-sexual clearly has it coming to him.
Bill Gates:
Heaven: Because he did more for technology than lots of people.
Hell: Windows 95, 98 and XP.
John Campbell:
Heaven: For the same amount of passion and unbridled enthusiasm, whether he’s interviewing the hot chicks at the Hamilton V8 Super cars or a piece of half-eaten mouldy bread. Marvellous.
Hell: I’m sorry. I can’t do it. God bless John Campbell.
Brad Pitt:
Heaven: If adopting millions of children and donating millions of dollars doesn’t do it for him, the millions of women already in heaven who'll revolt in protest if  he's excluded sure will.
Hell: If I’m ending up in hell, you can be damn sure Brad Pitt had better end up there too.
I guess it’s not up to me to judge, I am, after all, not God.
But it’s fun to speculate.
Which is why, according to, for casting metaphorical stones, blaspheming, and generally behaving badly, on top of everything else, upon my admission to the Eighth Circle ‘justice divine will smite me with its hammer’, and (when I retook the test because I really didn’t want to end up in The Malebolge) I’m getting Cleopatra and Helen of Troy for hellmates.
Hmm.  I wonder what Oprah would say?

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