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Crude True Blood

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Contributor:
Paul Taylor
Paul Taylor

A friend and I have recently been getting into HBO's True Blood. For the uninitiated, True Blood is a serial that works on the premise that vampires have been in existence for centuries but only recently have they made their existence known with the advent of synthesised blood called True Blood. Now vampires and humans coexist in society, the vampires surviving on synthesised blood while humans live without fear of having their blood sucked out of them. It's based on The Southern Vampire Mysteries series of novels by Charlaine Harris.

As we all know, vampires can't resist real human blood but put up with the True Blood in exchange for a life less secretive. Kinda like how humans will put up with eating rubbish fast food instead of a proper home cooked meal in exchange for more time in front of the TV, presumably watching True Blood. In the show there are humans with fetishes who love having their necks or femurs bitten and sucked by more than obliging vampires who have been craving real blood.

There's one question however, that came up during the watching of the show, that never gets raised in any vampire text. Since we're all adults here, I'm going to ask the question of vampires we've all thought but never been comfortable to ask aloud. Why don't vampires drink from the menstrual chalice, so to speak?

It may sound like a crude question but it's a valid question nonetheless and such a taboo subject as this is generally met with disgust, but it needs to be explored for the sake of potential plot holes or plot points. I know absolutely nothing about this subject (except for the typical crazy-woman-PMS-jokes or whatever) because I'm a guy, but it seems to me logical for this blood to be put to good use in an age where vampires aren't permitted human blood anymore.

Every month, women could check into a type of hotel slash blood bank, partner up with a vampire for the prescribed amount of days and donate. The law of supply and demand would come in to play and presumably the number of vampires up for the task will outnumber the amount of women which could spark a bidding war and the next thing you'd know, women would be getting pampered for days on end in a lavish hotel, saving money on sanitary products, maybe making money and being happy for that time of the month. And, to top it off, what could make a woman happier than being being pampered? The cunnilingus that would invariably be a part of the donation process and the orgasms that may ensue.

I'm sure there are obvious problems with this plan that I don't, don't want to and therefore never will understand. I didn't do any research into the blood sucking habits of vampires over the ages nor did I research the quality of menstrual blood in comparison to blood from other parts of the body, nor have I read the novels on which the show is based.

So, let's say this hotel slash blood bank concept is viable for vampires and donors, then, as I see it, True Blood and every vampire show, movie and novel has ignored one massive economy of blood and the one vital plot point that could, theoretically, make vampires instantly harmless what with the being dependant on women like how a baby is dependant on breast milk. And, if that were the case, that would make Twilight look even more pathetic, if that is indeed possible. 

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