Recommended NZ | Guide to Money | Gimme: Competitions - Giveaways

Recipe For Absolute Disaster

Contributor:
Samantha Lee
Samantha Lee

How not to apply for a job in these recession-filled times…

 
 Take one nervous, slightly sweaty interviewee, and one impatient, pompous employer. Lock together in a small room for extended period of time. Put in seating and a one-way window. Sell tickets.
 
EMPLOYER:
Welcome of interviewee in distracted manner.
Instructions/ Recriminations/ Lunch order yelled in general direction of door to other employees. Apology of dubious sincerity for the wait.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Nervous acceptance of apology. Offer of nicer C.V. than originally provided - folder or similar, as opposed to stapled/ written on serviette.
 
EMPLOYER:
Discussion of values and duties of job. Overstatement of value of previous employee. Use of trade language and as many confusing abbreviations as possible. Limited use of smiling.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Attempt to cover ignorance by nodding twice as much as normally acceptable in polite society.
 
EMPLOYER:
Questions regarding eligibility for job, with evident suspicious undertone.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Shaky recitation of previous employment, emphasis on positive qualities.
 
EMPLOYER:
Sceptical silence.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Desperate tale of fanatical last employer.
 
EMPLOYER:
Louder sceptical silence.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Desperate tale of resignation or dismissal due to prominent piercing/early start time versus late arrival/ restriction of freedom of artistic expression.
 
EMPLOYER:
Notes on piece of paper hidden from view. Doodle of dog, flower, or similar.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Excess blinking.
 
EMPLOYER:
Question relating to teamwork, independent task-doing, kitchen duties, experience in relating to human or human-like forms.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Enthusiastic claim to all possible qualities needed. Slightly questionable anecdotal evidence provided.
 
EMPLOYER:
Question regarding skills still needing to work on.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Reluctant admission of skill upgrade needed on five out of six of previous qualities mentioned.
 
EMPLOYER:
Impatient query as to number of brain cells contained in brain.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Tearful profession of uncertainty as to answer of question.
 
EMPLOYER:
Weary expression of willingness to answer any questions regarding position.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Questions as to wages/benefits/staff car parking/number of weeks necessary to work before taking on Employer’s position.
 
EMPLOYER:
General expression of disbelief.
INTERVIEWEE:
Hopeful smile.
 
EMPLOYER:
Pre-rehearsed statement to the overall effect of don’t-call-us, we’ll-call-you.
 
INTERVIEWEE:
Slightly sweaty handshake, but confident posture and statement of belief in phone call within short time frame.
 
EMPLOYER:
Insincere smile. Frantic pushing of buzzer for secretary/ PA/ Security or similar to escort potential employee from building.
 
Repeat.
 
 
 
Note: This was an unashamed take-off of Jon Stewart’s “The Recipe” from his fanblimmintastic book "Naked Pictures of Famous People" which, incidentally, in my version has only one Naked Famous Person in it, and he’s a little blurry.
“The Recipe” is the recipe for the perfect television awards show, and is surprising (or perhaps not) how many awards shows seem to follow this.
Read the book- if only for the experience of asking for it by title at your nearest Borders- those of you who have already asked for it by title at your nearest Borders, please let me know how many of you received answer:
A) “Oh, yeah. By that guy from The Daily Show, right?”
B) “You want what, now?”
C) “Oh, honey, have you not found God, yet?”
 
Have fun!

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