Couples. Aaah, bless them. There are two types of couples. 
 
Exhibit A: Those who have a healthy sense of personal space and self confidence, which enables them to maintain a respectable distance apart when out in public.
 
Exhibit B: Those who appear conjoined and parade their insecurity by constantly touching and kissing with no regard for the general public who feel somewhat violated by these types of expressions. 
 
If you are part of a 'couple', hopefully you fit into the category of 'Exhibit A'. If not, read and learn. 
 
What we find disturbing is the manner in which SOME couples choose to express their union. With uncensored, over baring displays of public affection. What fuels this innate desire of these aforementioned couples, to prove to the surrounding public that they are indeed together? Exhibits of the kind of public affection we are talking about can be found in the proceeding list; constant kissing, hugging, stroking, touching, patting, rubbing, sitting on, lying on and/or dry humping. We don't want to see your pre-copulation rituals at our local park, beach, mall...or any other local environment that we happen to be occupying at the time. Public displays of affection should be restricted to what was acceptable in the puritanical Victorian era...save the rest of it for closed doors, dimly lit corners of a night clubs and toilet cubicles like the rest of us. 
 
Facts of life are; You're born alone, you die alone. Does this public display, no, exhibition stem from a need to prove to not only everyone in a 10 mile radius, but also yourself, that you're not alone? That you've managed to find someone who can bear to be around you for more than 5 minutes? (Applause sign is duly illuminated). Is the constant touching a means to ensure that the recipient is actually there? It's those couples who sit in Albert Park and feel the compelling need to be constantly touching one another. Yes, we get it. You're together and oh so happy that you've found another moron as idiotic as yourself to be with. Good for you, must have been a challenge. But do you really need to contaminate the vision of the un-obliging public in the process? How about you just get a blow torch and permanently weld your offending appendages together? 
 
This overindulgence in public displays of affection screams of insecurity. One of the highlights of this for the innocent bystander, is every time said subjects decide to walk down the street with hands in each others back pockets. This is a perfect example of the idiocy attached to unnecessary public affection. The position these couples find themselves in is quite obviously an uncomfortable one; in which their ability to walk in a straight line down the street is severely hindered. What's the payoff here? Some ass grabbing in exchange for appearing to the rest of us as a pair of giant stumbling douchebags? Well done. 
 
Furthermore, there are those couples that stand on the beach rubbing sunscreen on one another for what seems like an hour. What the hell is up with that? Fair enough that you can’t get to your back, but we don’t need to see you rubbing each other’s stomachs, thighs, buttock region etc…. for god sakes go get some scented massage oils and lock your selves in a bedroom for a few hours and give the rest of us a break! The only reason I can fathom that they do this at the beach, standing there, for waaaaaaay too long with way to much sunscreen, is that they are merely practicing for when they get to hell. It’s going to be hot down there, real hot, and they’ll need A LOT of sunscreen. Infact, maybe that’s what hell is, an endless line of thousands of couples feverishly and relentlessly rubbing sunscreen on one another so they don’t burn in the fires they deserve too. 
 
The only time public affection is acceptable is between old people. They're cute. Two 15-45 year olds slobbering all over each other in the back row at the movies (coming, this season in a cinema near you) is not.