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Glad-Eye Etiquette

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Contributor:
Dallas Boyd
Dallas Boyd

How do you check someone out without coming across as a creep? 

Two incidents over the weekend have left me wondering about “Glad-Eye” etiquette:
 
1: On Saturday, I was completely oblivious to the fact that while I was merrily trotting down a flight of stairs and slurping on an ice cream (“Tra la la la la!”), a guy (who was with his girlfriend, of course) was standing under the stairs taking a nice long look up my skirt.
 
2: There was a picture in the weekend newspaper of President Obama checking out the ass of the Brazilian President’s 17 year old assistant.
 
The “Glad-Eye” is defined as “to look at someone seductively in a way that suggests you find them sexually attractive.” However there are many other ways to display interest in another. Dogs sniff butts. Peacocks strut around with their tails in the air. Male hippopotamuses stand in front of the female they want to impress, crap themselves, pee everywhere, and spin their tail around to fan the smell everywhere. Flatworms, being hermaphrodites, with both male and female thingys, “swordfight” with their, erm… male thingys, until one of the… swords… snaps off. The flatworm who loses their “sword” takes on the role of female… and then - I guess - the real fun begins! ...Sort of like in prison, no?
 
The point is, there are many different ways to show interest in someone and perfecting that saucy “come hither” look is just the beginning. But in today’s politically correct world (where it’s no longer acceptable to club a woman over the head and drag her into your cave) how do you pull off this ancient art without coming across as a chauvinistic pervert, a slime ball, or a sleaze? (Believe it or not but I actually did not like that guy looking up my skirt).  
 
I can not offer any advice on “How To” because I’m not very smooth… I’m about as seductive as Ray Romano. I tried to give a guy the Glad-Eye once, but I didn’t watch where I was going and I missed the doorway I was heading for and walked straight into the wall. (In front of a whole room full of people). So not only do you have to try not to be creepy, you also have to try not to humiliate yourself. However, if you have to choose, it’s probably better to humiliate yourself than to come across like a serial rapist
 
Some of my creepier experiences have included noticing that some weirdo guys were taking photos of me and my friend as we swam at the beach and another day at the beach, some Jack Dawson wannabe asked me if I’d come back to his house so he could draw me. Note to guys - this is all very creepy. But to be fair, when Kevin Bloody Wilson sings “Do you **** on first dates?” he does note that, “this new method of mine, doesn’t work every time, but then again no method does. I’ve been spat at and slapped, and kneed in the knackers, but then I’ve got a few …. as well.” So I guess those creepy guys must figure “Hey, sooner or later somethings got to give!” And God bless them for trying. 
 
So how do you check someone out without coming across as a creep? Keep it subtle! Explicit ogling is nobody’s friend - you will either make people uncomfortable or make a fool out of yourself. As always, further research is needed. But don't feel too down about our pathetic quests to seduce each other! Check out the "15 Most Bizarre Mating Rituals" - and who knows... maybe you'll even pick up a few neat tips!
 
I know I did 
 
 
 

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