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How to be a Cool Surfer Chick!

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Contributor:
Dallas Boyd
Dallas Boyd

First, let’s take a moment to laugh at the picture of the bikini bottoms I had to wear the other day. Note the comparison to a regular pair of underwear, that actually cover my ass. High point. Real high point.

Ordinarily I would not be caught dead in something like that, for what I like to think are obvious reasons. Especially with such shiny material. No offence to the fab bikini, it’s just that no one wants to see my butt in something like that. Evidently a friend of mine must think otherwise, who specifically picked it out for me (shock). The owner of a surf clothing label has - most generously - donated several bikinis to me, as well as some shirts and teeny tiny shorts, so I get to pretend like I’m a sponsored surfer, when in actual fact I kind of suck. But it’s as close as I’ll ever get to feeling professional, so I’m going to run with it.

I went surfing the other day, for the first time in… yonks. I rented a board in the morning, because I felt like I was standing around on the beach like a sucker, when everyone else was having 1000% more fun than me in the water. Luckily for me, Hot Surfer Guy was surfing with me, and I thought, “I hope I don’t embarrass him in front of his super cool surfing friends.” He even magically pulled some wax out of nowhere in the middle of the great big ocean and waxed up my board (while I swam around in circles like a porpoise, squirting water out between my teeth. Keeping it cool.) A tanned girl with platinum blonde dreadlocks and white bikini bottoms paddled past me advising, “paddle with your core!” But my core was just as buggered as my weak, computer using arms.

The following morning I woke up with what can only be described as head to toe third degree burns, sunstroke and dehydration. Wikipedia describes this sensation as “painful.” I waddled into the bathroom and reached for a bottle of water on the floor and collapsed. Luckily I broke the fall with my face and developed a nice juicy shiner, including, but not limited to, eye swollen closed. This took the emphasis off my sunburn and I spent the rest of the week walking around town sparking battered woman rumours. (Which I believe I inadvertently encouraged by darting around suspiciously).

After I completed shedding layers of skin from the back of my legs and butt cheeks (and developed a curiously cancerous looking tan - I will be seeing a dermatologist) it was only a matter of time before I got back on my beloved surf board - between sun smart hours. I applied newly purchased zinc to my nose and put on my USD$28 Power Balance© wristband (which Hot Surfer Guy encouraged me to buy after my bathroom face plant. But honestly, I don’t think it works.)

Based on my experience as a super cool surfer chick, I have realized you don’t have to look like a supermodel in a bikini. You don’t have to have a tan (or even have the physical ability to tan). The best part is, you don’t even have to be an awesome surfer... It’s brilliant!

All you have to do is get out there and surf like you love it.
 

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