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How To Kiss A Stranger

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Dallas Boyd
Dallas Boyd

Every now and again my friends used to kiss me hello or goodbye on the cheek. I felt very cool and European. Then I moved to a hot sweaty country (and I don’t mean that in the good way) where everyone wants to kiss your dam cheek. And I don’t feel cool and European.

The thing about being a foreigner is, you never want to insult the locals, so you try to roll with the customs. But what about the men who like to see how close they can accidentally-on-purpose get to your lips? What about the men who take the chance while you’re in grabbing range to put their arm around your waist? How super friendly.

I asked some older men, who are also foreigners, about the custom. They have been living here for many years, so I hoped maybe they would have a better grip on things. I explained to them my problem. They said “yes Dallas, but that’s sexual harassment.”

I wanted to write this blog and make it funny, but I just feel angry. It’s awkward. There are the times when you expect you are going to kiss someone’s cheek, and then you don’t, and you are left standing way too close to them. There are the times when you don’t expect to kiss someone’s cheek, and they come in for it and you bang against their head. There was the time one of my friends tried to kiss my cheek goodbye, I was caught off guard, missed and pecked her lips. She looked at me very strangely. 

I don’t like people trying to kiss me. And I’ve recently been told by a local that if you let certain people kiss you on the cheek in a certain way, then you’re considered a flirt who’s leading them on. What the…??? I don’t understand this custom and I don’t like it. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to avoid stranger love, here are a few tips I have recently been developing.

  1. Stick your hand out the moment someone starts approaching you. They may be several feet away. Make it clear you’re a hand shaker.
  2. Sometimes if you extend your hand, people try to pull you in for a kiss and put their arm around your shoulder after the handshake. This is tricky. You have to hold them back with a very stiff arm.
  3. Put an obstacle between your body and theirs. A chair. A table. A rifle.
  4. Be gross (note: this does not always work).

If on the other hand you want to kiss and harass strangers, here are some tips that have been used on me:

  1. Target someone obviously new to the custom, who is unaware of the rules and boundaries.
  2. Give them a big friendly smile at the same time. Smiles are often reciprocated. And apparently when a woman receives a kiss with a big happy smile this is considered flirting -  so you’re in! 
  3. Take the opportunity to cop a feel of her tits as you lean in for the kiss.
  4. And last but not least, wear a strong cologne.

However, if you see me around, a simple non-contact hello will do - I save my kisses for special occasions.

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