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"Just because it's ugly, doesn't make it eco"

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Dallas Boyd
Dallas Boyd

Since everyone sulks into their wine glasses because “there’s no cuuuulture in this town” the turn out to a local fundraising benefit (for some endangered monkeys) was pretty good. I could tell people were excited to be participating in a community event with a good cause because everyone had showered. Personally, I had heeded the advice of a well heeled gay man, who once advised me that nothing is more glamorous than a woman in a black evening gown with emerald jewellery. I settled for a black cocktail dress with green beads and felt just like Angelina Jolie at the 2009 Academy Awards… minus her smoking hot sex appeal but somehow with a way hotter date. Not sure how I managed that.

The emphasis of the fundraiser, as is fashionable these days, was about raising environmental awareness. The film “Home” was used to educate our community, because “scientists tell us that we have 10 years to change the way we live, avert the depletion of natural resources and the catastrophic evolution of the Earth's climate.” Ten years is not a very long time. It reportedly, scientifically, takes ten years to develop an expertise at anything. That being the case, by the time we figure out this saving the world stuff, it might be too late. Experts on saving the world will be left to twiddle their thumbs on a dead planet. The frustration, at that point, may excuse Palahnuik’s idea of putting “a bullet between the eyes of every endangered panda that wouldn't screw to save its species.” (If there are still pandas left in ten years. We’ll see Chuck.)

In the case of an action movie, some nobody-next-door will have to save the planet just in the nick of time. But not before a lot of shit is dramatically destroyed right beforehand. Probably the annihilation of the Amazon, some intense flooding, and the United States will feel obliged to bomb a few things. However at this time I think the general consensus is that the nobody-next-door who will save the day… actually does have to be… all of us. The consumers.  

So my little community, with its heart of gold and best listening faces on, tried their best not to fidget as we contemplated our complex interconnected world and wondered when the snacks and drinks would be served. “You need to know this shit” my friend texted me… followed by: “My kid is in a blue garbage bag. I want to die.” Ah yes, I thought, catching a glimpse of another thirteen year old girl in the crowd, wrapped in a black garbage bag, looking like she was vacuum sealed into a black latex mini dress, like a small eco-hooker. The wearable arts segment of the evening. Not sure if it’s a valid theory, but then again, we did used to think the earth was flat. If in ten years, I’m rifling through a dump in a dirty barren wasteland, at least I’ll remember how to make a cute bra out of disused Starbucks cups. That's important shit.

A creative dance number later, complete with black leotards, and the community filed out of the hall into the rainy night, to grizzle amongst one another about the organization of the event, to criticize the quality of the refreshments, and debate the way in which the raffle prizes were drawn. Seemingly forgetting the intention of the evening, the message, and the fact that they had purchased tickets for a charity event. To help save something greater than themselves. And into the night, the community dissolved their separate ways once more, into their cultureless town. Now I know this isn’t an action movie. But maybe we still need that hero?



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