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The Love Blog

Paul Taylor
Paul Taylor

In a recent flash of sanity the realisation struck me that swine flu is spreading and the media hyperbole has got me all worried and now I'm considering a different outlook on what to put here, different to the cynical antisocial rants and just plain insane pieces. 

Don't fear though, I'm not going to pour my heart out and tell everyone I love them because that just isn't true, I'm not going to waste words writing about flowers and unicorns and strolls along an abandoned beach. No. I'm taking stock of my life. Looking back I've realised that cynicism and bagging people and things out is fun for me, but not really fun for anyone else. Well, ok, maybe a few of you.

So yeah, swine flu. The World Health Organisation is claiming the flu with the little curly tail will become a pandemic.  So, not only is there a recession looming but also a pandemic. Man, you couldn't even write this stuff. Swine flu came out of Mexico and I saw a report on the news that it originated from a US swine farm based in Mexico. Haven't read or seen much more of that, but I always thought the swine flu originated from The Biggest Loser compound. 

Have you ever seen a pig sneeze? I'm talking a real pig, not a Biggest Loser contestant. No. Me neither. With not much time left to live I have a lot of things to do in my life that I must do before I die because the pandemic is near. Might go visit a farm and watch a pig sneeze, then go bungy jumping, then jump out of a plane then cook up that nice strawberry and onion dish I always wanted to experiment with. Might tell that girl in high school that I had a mad crush on her and ask her if she has ever fantasised about adultery because I know her husband is a bit stupid and he'll never find out. 

What really sucks is it's going to be hard to travel now. So, not only will we be fearing the loss of our job and fearing the swine flu, we'll also be stuck in our own countries! Like common prisoners! Like pigs trapped in a pen! Like…well, you get the idea. 

Wait, this was meant to be The Love Blog right? Seems I've forgotten how to be all nice and kind and stuff. Screw it. Who was I kidding? It didn't work and I've failed at being nice. So here we go!

The First Inaugural List of Swine Flu Spreaders
Dr. Phil: Look at the man. Listen to the man. This guy dribbles so much filth about rubbish that no one cares about his place, and his show has become a sty.

Wilbur: The pig from Charlotte's Web. 'Some Pig' indeed. Go squash every spider you see. If Charlotte was so good at writing messages in a web then surely she could have been a bit more specific than 'Some Pig'. 

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: That annoying blonde chick from The View. She sounds like a squealing pig all the time.  

Oprah Winfrey: This woman just can't keep the weight off because she loves pork too much. She's eaten so much pork that she has turned into a pig. That's my guess anyway.

Susan Boyle: Enough said. Wait, no it's not. Some pigs sound great but look ugly. She may very well be the missing link between man and pig. 

Brad Pitt:
Is as dumb as a pig.
There you have it, folks. Oh, maybe I should rename this piece. Nah, screw it.

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