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Natural is Overrated

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Natural look: Heidi Klum

There is a scenario that often comes up when talking to guys; they seem to feel the need to inform the ladies in their lives, that they'd look better "more natural"? Are you kidding me?! Women don't need to go out and spend hundreds of dollars, for some douchey bloke to come along informing us that you prefer our hair "natural", especially since you've never actually seen it ‘au natural‘.


Re-growth and a photo from ten years ago doesn't count. Like many women out there, I'm not a natural person, I'm never going to be a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. And you know what? I'm happy with the fact that I'm high maintenance. I cried when I got my fake hair taken out. That’s right. Natural hair colour, isn’t going to happen, it’s the ultimate in low maintenance.

So why are you guys so keen for us to have a ‘natural’ look? Are you doing it because you want us high maintenance blondes, to become mousey brunettes, so no one ever looks at us again? At least that way, when you get back from whoring it up wherever the hell you are, nothing will have happened for us. You win. I am never "natural". Me in all my non-natural, artificial glory is me in my "natural" element. And if you actually look a little closer, you will find the majority of women are the same way inclined. What makes this even worse, is the fact that you're obviously attracted to this; why else would you pick girls like us out of the crowd to ‘make your own‘? Oh wait, that's right, It's because you don't want anyone else to pick us out of a crowd.

I know in fairytales the "naturally" beautiful princess is waiting for the prince to come and save her. But again, why don’t you look a bit closer; 'Sleeping Beauty' my ass, that bitch is up in the tower doing her make-up. 100 years to get ready? I'm thinking high maintenance. To further prove the point, take a look at Rapunzel....'hello', the ULTIMATE in hair extensions. You think blonde hair grows that long naturally? Trust me, it doesn't.

What do you guys even mean by saying they prefer "natural girls"? Im sorry, would you like me to stop shaving my legs, armpits and grow a monobrow...hey how about I stop washing so I have my "natural" smell. In fact, how about I just let it all go and wear a potato sack. And now you could really show me off to all your friends as your "natural" girlfriend. I'm sure that would go down really well at your weekly, Remuera 'crate day'. It's also particularly endearing how you don't directly come out and say you'd rather we looked different, you find subtle ways of telling us that we’d look better another way. In other words, our current appearance displeases you. Ah, the ultimate back handed compliment. But hey, guess what SCREW YOU.

Do we sit there with our $5 hair cuts and jandles criticising the way you look (in those pull away, nylon, button up sports pants that you like to combine with your high school leavers jumper, or other affiliated sports club regalia?) No. we don’t. You guys are left alone to dwell in your own filth. It's not our problem that you just throw on the same pair of jeans and t-shirt your sister bought you for your birthday. Women, on the other hand like to engage in a little rotation...this means sometimes only wearing an item once a week. Hard to believe I know. We don't even criticise the fact that one of the two t-shirts you like to wear is full of holes. It doesn’t matter that it was made from hemp and cost you a small fortune at the time. It's still a holy rag and you ain't no Jesus.

Oh and the crem da la crem of the backhanded compliments: guys saying they prefer girls without make-up. Are you kidding? You know when you see a girl all ’natural’ and glowing with a healthy tan and smooth skin? that’s make up you moron. When you see your girlfriend with black circles, blotchy skin and yellow teeth in the morning, that’s the real ‘natural’ look. Girls that appear "natural" are in fact just really good at applying make-up, it’s what is known as "the natural look", which consists of more foundation and fake tan than your little pea brain can fathom. It's all smoke and mirrors buddy. No girl is going to head out on a date without wearing makeup, without having her hair done and without wearing nice clothes. And if she doesn't, the chances are that YOU aren't going to call her again. Chances are, the better a girl looks, the more time and effort she has put in to disguising the way she really looks. Reason number one I don't want to stay over at your house...Surprise!

We are the post-modern feminists, and we don't care how you'd like us to look. We plan to be just as plastic as we want. We’re going to wear heels so high, we can't walk straight, dresses so uncomfortable you’d think we were into S&M, matched with fake eye lashes, fake tan, and of course, fake hair. And we’re going to complain about it, because it’s your fault we’re obsessed with being perfect. I may be as fake as the implants I plan to get, but that's my prerogative and you my friend, can kiss my fake ass.

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