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Stories You'll Never See In The Media

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Paul Taylor
Paul Taylor
Nicole Kidman. Pic: Mike Goat

Here are a few brief news stories that may never make the media for varying obvious reasons. One reason could be the fact they are poorly written, kinda like your suburban newspaper which only runs ads or that story that first year journo student tried to get published.

Australia Apologises To Stolen Celebrities
Australian celebrity media outlets have banded together in an effort to let go of stolen celebrities including Nicole Kidman who, as it has been known for many years, is in fact an American citizen who was born in Hawaii.

Joining the list of celebrities who have too long been claimed as Australian are Nicole Kidman's husband New Zealand born Keith Urban and Russell Crowe, The Isle of Mann born The Bee Gees, Scottish born Jimmy Barnes and English born Olivia Newton John and John Farnham.  

“For too long we have been deluding and humiliating ourselves as reporters and media outlets by constantly claiming celebrities with dual passports as one hundred percent Australian. We will no longer refer to those on the list as 'our'” said a magazine editor. 

“We are all well aware that we only have D grade celebrities left like Rove McManus, Natalie Bassingthwaighte and Lisa McCune but we are confident we will be able to find some really quality celebs like Eric Bana who is actually one hundred percent Aussie and our only A grade celeb” said the editor.  

Josef Fritzl Nominated For Austrian Father Of The Year
A leaked psychological report of Elisabeth Fritzel has shown she suffers one of the most extreme cases of agoraphobia ever recorded and for twenty-four years begged her father, Josef Fritzel, to secretly remain in the family's basement.

The psychological report casts serious doubt the over outcome of the recent trial and is giving Josef's defence team a strong case for appeal should it be required.

Meanwhile the Austrian panel of judges for the annual Father Of The Year ceremony unanimously decided to nominate Josef for his tireless work with his daughter and her condition which psychologists say was the best treatment she could have received short of being in a mental hospital. 

In an even more shocking twist a DNA report shows that Elisabeth's children weren't fathered by Josef but by her boyfriend who lived next door and visited the woman while Josef was out on holiday.

Hugh Hefner To Follow Madonna's Adoption Fashion
Playboy Magazine owner Hugh Hefner has recently filed an application to adopt singer Madonna because he fears her immature attitude towards adopting third world children is akin to little girls who collect Barbie dolls.

The eighty two year old Hefner has claimed that he is too old to raise a child but is willing to help out the fifty year old singer because he claims she appears to have lost her way in life especially after releasing a streak of sub-par records. 

“Look, it's obvious that Madonna is suffering ill metal health and she needs help. She's adopting third world kids with no idea of how to competently raise kids, hell, she doesn't even know how to name her own children properly” Hefner said.

Madonna's most recent jaunt to Malawi to adopt a child is the latest piece of evidence Hefner's lawyers can use to set a precedent in America that will let people who are old enough to be grandparents adopt people who are old enough to be their children.

Message to you law type people: These stories are (obviously) totally fictitious including the quotes and were created for purposes of funnyness only. Real life people mentioned in the stories did not partake in any event outlined and if they do, hey, it's not my fault.


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