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TOM: The Office Moron

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Paul Taylor
Paul Taylor

ver worked in an office? Working in an office as we speak? Thought so. To answer your questions; no, that guy will never discover deodorant. No, that woman will never stop applying make-up at her desk. Yes, the boss is gay but he will never come out. And sadly, yes, every office has The Office Moron.

Put a normal person in the office environment and they will do their job with little fuss and may even make a couple of friends. They'll move up and around the company and they'll be a productive member of the team but won't stay in the job long because they'll be looking forward for new and exciting career opportunities.

Put a moron in the office environment and they'll complain to the boss about every little thing from the state of the office fridge (which, as we all know, is more of a space filler than a thing to be used), to the chairs that aren't ergonomic enough to how fellow workers are spreading questionable email forwards. TOM will never leave the company until fired.

TOM is always female. But there's also TOW: The Office Wanker who is always male. We'll get to TOW next week.

TOM's complain about absolutely everything. How the bus was late, how the train was late, how her partner wanted to go on holiday to Thailand but she wanted to go to Fiji. But her favourite complaints are about her illnesses. You know, how she's allergic to milk and how her skin disorder demands a really expensive brand of make-up so it won't go all red and puffy. TOM has a really bad dress sense and you wouldn't be caught dead in those shoes but TOM assures you they were really expensive and imported.

No one can stand TOM which is obvious and on lunch you and you're work buddies have a bitch session because it's impossible to go a full day without venting. “Oh and then she went up to (insert manager's name here) to tell him/her that we were all laughing about something and she thought it was about her…I was called into (insert manager's name here)'s office and he/she and I just laughed about it. Ah, man that was a funny email. Spot on about her though…”

TOM's desk is a shrine to her family which is fine for you because you can see just how much of an ugly pig her partner is, which explains the ugly kids. You can see how mangy her dog is and how filthy her house is. Then there's that photo of her all scrubbed up nice at some formal do with her partner and when you walk past you can't help but look and try not to laugh.

TOM can't wait to see Katey Perry in concert and can't wait to get home to watch old taped episodes of The Nanny. TOW is also hanging out to see Katey Perry but TOW and TOM hate each other which is really confusing because you and work buddies always thought they deserved each other and would make a great couple.

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