Recommended NZ | Guide to Money | Gimme: Competitions - Giveaways

The "Brain Gain" job hunt sucks

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Contributor:
Dallas Boyd
Dallas Boyd

Dear Fellowship of Loyal Readers… Loyal Reader…. Dear Mum.

Three weeks ago, I arrived home to New Zealand after living in the tropics for 6 years. I said “hasta la vista!” to the monkeys, coconut trees, and eternal summer, and sobbed like a baby for three-consecutive plane rides home. I’d been doing entrepreneurial stuff, achieving professional things, productive and important sounding jobs. I wore shoes. But unfortunately, sometimes you just hit that “glass ceiling.” So you fly home. Now I’m almost 30 and living out of my suitcase, an intimidating start-from-scratch scenario. Shivering and hungry, I imploringly wonder “does anybody need someone who can speak Spanish?”

My money was spent at once on warm clothes, because now I know what the Jamaicans on Cool Runnings felt like when they had to go to the Winter Olympics. Only without the sympathy, because I don’t speak with a cute Rrrrrasta accent or have cool hair. I envisioned myself coasting swiftly into a well-paying job, and was buoyed when I got a temp job at a factory. I felt puffed up with pride, like a soldier returning home from war, when I came home with a gifted bag full of free produce. “LOOK HERE EVERYONE!” I thought, brimming with confidence. But alas, freebies are too good to be true, and the temp job dried up, along with my swaggering “bringing home the bacon” bravado.

Others have expressed useless hippy advice: “Don’t be too hard on yourself” … “something will come along”! But the feel-good “put it out to the universe” vibe doesn’t help as much as it would if they only said to you “How about I throw you $50 in the meantime if you want to ____ (insert menial chores here).” So far the only serious job offer I’ve had since being back, was when a guy stealthily slipped me a note in the library, offering me $100 if I’d watch him masturbate. Despite him upping the offer to $160 and waving the crisp, green bills under my nose (fresh from his government benefit I imagine) I had to decline (and report him to security) as I’m just looking for something a little less violating.

I’ve received plenty of those nasty, automated “we regret to inform you” letters, written in that cold and sterile “Courier New” font – worst font ever. They could at least pretend to care by choosing a fancy, friendlier, font. If they would reject you in Brush Script MT, or maybe even spice it up with that spooky Chiller font, you’d at least know there was a sense of humour behind the whole process. We wish you all the best for your future employment. But apparently the number of applications being received are “overwhelming”.

I’ve written in the past about the Masochistic Pursuit of Job Hunting, but having already followed my own advice and come full circle, it’s sort of just “lather, rinse, repeat” now and hope for success. My only concern is that I may have already used up my homecoming miracle when I won Lotto last week. A cold, hard $38. It seems some dreams really do come true!

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