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Tiger Kills Man In Shocking Display Of Natural Behaviour

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Dallas Boyd
Dallas Boyd

Cute and fluffy “Abu” the great white tiger, recently mauled his keeper to death.

Tiger mauls man. Big shock. Why should that headline be anymore exciting than “Dog chases Cat”? Because there’s something exciting about watching mortal combat when you know the little guy’s gonna get smoked, snake-striking-rat style. It’s all on You Tube.

Incidentally, the tiger was shot after he attacked the man - no wait - the article says the tiger was “destroyed”… that sounds way more juicy… like they strapped the tiger with gelignite or something - kaboom! 
Whatever happened to tranquillizer darts? Last I did a quick headcount, the population of humans stood at around 6,782,536,522 (I got everyone to number off), while the population of white Bengal tigers lags slightly behind at about 120. Oh no, now make that… minus one tiger… carry the one… 119 white Bengal tigers. 
Hell, with numbers that low we might as well shoot the rest and save everyone a lot of time and money. Whatever important role they were playing in the circle of life was probably obliterated long ago, with 97% of their population being wiped out since 1900, and the few remaining subjected to confinement. Ecologically, they’re already dead.  
Thanks to Abu, at least it seems I’m not the only one who’s feeling mid-year angst. Don’t we all have bad days? This is exactly like when Homer Simpson accidentally killed his pet lobster “Pinchy” in the hot bath. Obviously Homer felt bad, but after the lobster was dead, it was too delicious not to go ahead and eat, unfortunate as the situation was. Instead of killing Abu, why couldn’t we have appreciated that, like Homer, he’d made an innocent “mistake” which was simply in tune with his natural instincts? Haven’t we learned anything from The Simpsons? Pay attention people!
Or maybe Abu overheard some insensitive tourists talking about Christian the Lion and his emotional slow-mo reunion in the wild with background Aerosmith music. Hell, I wept like a fool for Christian. We all did. I feel sorry that Abu never got his rehabilitation-back-to-the-wild moment or picture on the cover of the Reader‘s Digest magazine like Christian. He never even got the chance. Abu was fed up (note my slightly inappropriate pun). 
But who am I to judge someone for killing Abu, in an obviously intense situation. I can’t pretend I don’t get a little bit juiced up myself with fantasies of killing an endangered animal... Big game hunting... Starched khaki pants... A white handkerchief tied around my neck.... Stalking through the jungle like that psycho off Jumanji... It would be neat fun, I’m not going to argue.
I’m sure there was at least a split second (before civilized thought kicks in) when those who witnessed the attack exhaled slowly in wonder and excitement and breathed… “awwwwwesome.”
(If you witnessed the attack, the media has provided a phone number you can call to express how cool it was and how traumatised you are… you might even become famous for a while and get your name in the newspaper! 04 474 0098).
 I wonder what they’ll do with the dead body? It’s way too cool and rare to be biffed out or buried in the back paddock. I’m sure there are plenty of good taxidermists around - wouldn’t that be neat in front of the fireplace! You could have some fun - dress it up silly, pose and take funny photos… the skin alone is bound to be worth a fortune. (I’m talking about the dead cat by the way, not the dead trainer. Although… what’s good for the goose…)
So Abu falls like a wilted leaf from a dying family tree. One more Great White Bengal lost. Why fight for their survival when we’ve taken away their rightful place in the world anyway? Screw Christian and his dam Aerosmith. Sometimes you just have to go down in a blaze of glory, like Abu… (and Bon Jovi.) 

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