When a political party leader can’t be found, even in the opinion polls it is time for drastic action. Any of these ultimate makeovers are guaranteed to get Phil Goff more noticed than he is now.

1.       ‘Helen’ Phil - Stick on a Helen Clark rubber head, lower your voice and leap out in front of the press gallery talking with authority and confidence and scaring the crap out of the Nat’s.

2.       ‘Duelling’ Phil - Call out John Key for a duel. Obviously pistols and swords are potentially career ending so better make it something like scrabble or paper, scissors, rock. The mechanism is irrelevant it has to be made a point of honour that Phil can call John a chicken about if he doesn’t front.

3.       ‘Ambush’ Phil - Get in front of the cameras more. Since the news camera crews follow John Key wherever he goes, Phil could be the guy that leaps around in the background. Instead of saying something like “Hi Mum” he could say something incisive like “Hi Voters”.

4.       ‘Rambo’ Phil - Go to Afghanistan, put on some army gear and a fake beard. Get yourself photographed running around Kabul with a $2 Shop gun. We can see the front page headlines now – ‘Kiwi SAS hero Phillie ‘Apiata’ Goff seen in Kabul’.   

5.       ‘Reality’ Phil – Commission a reality TV show called something like ‘The Apprentice - Beehive’ where the mercurial Labour leader makes an assortment of Government Ministers perform tasks that make them get all bitchy and fight among themselves while Phil fires them one by one.

6.       ‘Chick Magnet’ Phil – Give Phil the Austin Powers makeover that turns an unlikely, short, geeky dude into an irresistible object of female affection. Being a Labour man, wearing the red suit should be easy, but getting Liz Hurley to fall in love with Phil might be a bit trickier.  

7.       ‘Gangsta’ Phil – Put on the bling, pimp up the Government issue car and ride with ya posse all over the hood as Philly G.  “Well my name is Philly with a capital G, I’m the leader of the oppo so look at me. Got my boys and my bitches and my library card, I’m a mean mother whaka and I look real hard. Gonna find John Key gonna show him my gun then it’s off to the playground to have some fun”.  

8.       ‘All Black’ Phil – Get yourself put on the Henry rotation. You don’t have to play, just get picked then get injured, then do undie ad’s that get plastered on billboards everywhere and show the nation the man beneath the suit. There will be traffic jams everywhere at the sight of the Labour Party’s ‘big banana’ wearing only a grin and tight Jockey’s.

9.       ‘Dexter’ Phil – This is really subtle. Government Ministers start disappearing; sometimes odd pieces of them are discovered but not very often. Everyone suspects Peter Dunne and nobody guesses that Phil could be responsible until it is too late and there is no one left on the National, ACT and Maori Party Lists.

10.   ‘Leader’ Phil – Stop moaning about what the Government is doing and have some original thoughts of your own. Articulate a positive vision for this nation that everyone can buy into and show us the smart guy you really are and not the grimacing nobody the PR minders have turned you into.