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Santa's Secret Grotto For World Leaders

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Contributor:
Dave Griffith
Dave Griffith

Sensation today as it was revealed that Santa has set up a special grotto to cater for world leaders’ secret demands for a personal meeting with the bearded one.

As Christmas draws near, and fearing that their classified wish lists may get intercepted if sent by post or email, World Leaders have beaten a path to Santa’s door to deliver them in person. Using the cover of the climate change summit to deflect attention, many leaders have taken the opportunity while in Copenhagen to sit on Santa’s knee and pour their heart out about their wish list for the coming year.  

Most of the information we have is sketchy and comes from an unnamed elf who spoke to our correspondent on condition of anonymity. Apparently there were security issues. Santa has a strict ‘no weapons in the grotto’ policy and there were some difficulties with this especially with the Americans who were reluctant to leave their guns at the door and rely on the elves to protect the President. In a rare concession Santa let some of the agents to do sweep of the grotto before it opened for business to check for any explosive or listening devices. 
 
It is understood that Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was unable to attend as he was recovering from the attack that nearly saw him become the first world leader to be assassinated with a Cathedral. We believe his request passed on through an intermediary was simply that all he wants for Christmas is his two front teeth.  
 
British leader Gordon Brown apparently was looking for a miracle to come down the chimney, but was not specific on what kind – only that he was desperate for anything that would see him still Prime Minister this time next year. Santa said that something that big was way out of his league, but he would pass it on up the line to God for consideration, but don’t be too surprised if it got lost in the ‘too hard basket’.
 
Also unable to attend was Osama Bin Laden who sent a cassette tape recording instead. Osama, fresh from becoming the world record holder for the longest continuous game of hide n seek (8 years), wanted his own remote controlled spy drone from Santa, so he could go sightseeing in safety.  
 
New Zealand (it is near Australia) Prime Minster John Key in a bizarre twist on the Christmas gift giving theme, didn’t want anything for himself, but he wanted Santa to slip a parcel into each World leaders stocking that contained a map of the world with New Zealand highlighted on it, a signed photo of himself, and a letter from the Queen verifying that he is not a drinks waiter, but the leader of a legitimate (but small) country in the Southern Ocean.
 
So what do people who are rich and powerful and have everything most want for Christmas from Santa? As with all visits to Santa there is often a common theme of requests that become the most popular ‘asked for’ items for that year. Courtesy of our unnamed elf - who at great personal risk has broken the strict rule that ‘what is said in the grotto stays in the grotto’ – we can bring you the world leaders top 5 ‘most wanted from Santa list’ for this festive season.
 
1.       Most popular this year was a ‘crisis’. Any crisis will do. Size or colour was irrelevant as long as it gave them the opportunity to show leadership, thus upping their approval ratings.
2.       Close behind was ‘a scandal ridden plague on their political opponents”.   
3.       Followed by the genuine love and respect of their people.
4.       At number 4 was a copy of Tiger Woods personal phone book.
5.       Rounding out the top five most wanted items was Elen Nordegren’s mobile number. Allegedly, the desire was to get in touch and offer personal sympathy and a shoulder to cry on. It is also inferred that Silvio may have asked for this item repeatedly thereby skewing the results.  
 
In related news we understand that Rudolf did not travel with Santa on his prestigious mission to Copenhagen. Apparently he has severe bruising in the hindquarters and may be out of sleigh pulling for some time. In a statement issued by Bi-Polar Communications – the PR firm that acts for Claus Enterprises - there is no truth to the alleged comments attributed to Prancer and circulating via chat rooms and twitter, that “Rudolf was a jumped up little pr*ck who had it coming”. In response to further rumours the statement went on to say that ‘Claus Enterprises stands by the integrity of the traditional song lyrics - then all the reindeer loved him as they shouted out with glee, Rudolf the red nosed reindeer, you’ll go down in history - as a true account of Rudolf’s relationship with the other reindeer. 
 
This was counter to rumours that refuse to go away that the words “as pet food” were deleted from the end of that verse by PR image makers wanting to build a Santa spin-off celebrity industry around Rudolf. Well known Swedish anthropologist Hans Offdapresents cast further doubt on the ‘official’ lyrics, by stating that in some archaic northern dialects, the word loved in English actually translates as detested.
 
It is a credit to Santa that despite having more legitimate concerns that most about global warming and the potential loss of the polar icecap, he was prepared to sit and listen to the “me, me me” requests of world leaders who were safely occupying the immoral high ground above the rising waters.  

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