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Whistle Blowing Goblin Reveals Secret Government Advisory Panel

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Dave Griffith
Dave Griffith

The ancient forest with its dense canopy blocked the moonlight. But in the clearing the glow of firelight bounced off the surrounding tree trunks. On top of the glowing embers was a large black iron cauldron. Bill could clearly make out the silhouettes of three people hunched over it.

The largest one turned and acknowledged Bills presence while the others remained fixed on the contents of the cauldron. "Hail Bill English- Lord of Dipton"!
"Hail Jenny Ship Shape, wizened old crone of the forest" replied Bill nonchalantly.
"These are my sisters both strong in the ways of Toryism. Michelle Boagey and Ruth Rich and Hard as Sin"
"Witches of the Blue Forest I greet you" flourished Bill.
Both the witches spat into the cauldron simultaneously.
"Can we cut the Macbeth crap now"? pleaded Bill.
"Ok" Replied Jenny Ship Shape. "The usual reading is it"? 
"Yes please".
"What do you see Witchy Boagey?" asked Jenny in a commanding voice.
"I see trouble – much trouble"
"Trouble" they repeated and emphasised together.
"The secret Lords of the forest are demanding that you make up for the 9 lost years and continue plundering the land and flogging the peasants".
"But the voters won't like it Witchy Boagey" lamented Bill.
"Of course they won't like it – that’s the point. They deserve to be punished for being poor and gullible. Just keep it simple and throw them a few crumbs before the next election and all will be well. But be warned, make sure the party faithful don't start listening to the whining, hand wringing do gooders and turn away from the true faith of profit and plundering".
"Profit and Plundering" chimed in Jenny and Ruth.
"I will" said Bill earnestly.     
"And my returning to leadership of the party? What of my political future"?
"You must be patient Lord of Dipton, keep playing the home spun, Catholic family man for a while yet and don't do a Mel Gibson on us and your time will come. Key's star won't shine for ever".
"Thank you wizend crones of the forest. What's for breakfast"?
"Oh the usual - socialist stew. It gets a bit boring but they are so easy to catch. All we do is start yelling out that someone is chopping down trees and selling the timber for profit and they come running out of their hiding places to protect the trees and – bop – stew time".
"My mother always told me eating greens was good for me" cackled Ruth Rich n Hard as Sin
Suddenly a tall white female form appeared from behind a tree. The dazzling light glowing from behind meant her face was indistinguishable, but they knew who it was. The witches cowered and Bill was startled as if he had seen a ghost. "Have you come back to torment us from the other side witch HellUN and make us care about poor people"?  
"Silence" rasped a deep voice, strangely hard to match with the feminine form. "Who is the one that took the prize of first female ruler of the forest from me"?
"That was me" Jenny Ship Shape volunteered weakly.
"Bow before be lowly she-witch and vow that in your considered opinion Sir Robert Muldoon was the finest ruler of the forest you have ever known".
"What the……."
"Hehhehheh….got you good this time witchy threesome and Key sidekick!". A small man leapt out holding a lantern from behind a now obvious cardboard effigy. His clothing was dark and only a shiny silver whistle on a chain around his neck offered any form of ornamentation.
"Rob the Goblin"! screamed Ruth Rich n Hard as Sin. "How are we supposed to maintain an aura of creepy sophistication for our clients when you keep gate crashing our sessions"?
"Oh relax, its only a bit of fun. Lose the cauldron and the dingy forest and you could call yourselves consultants. At least you could rip off clients openly instead of all this lurking about in the shadows like some plot line from a Dan Brown novel".
"We are the guardians of the next generation of torch bearers for the righteous rich" announced Michelle Boagey.
"Self righteous bitch did you say? Sorry my hearing is not what it was. Don't be so hard on yourself I sure you were a nice lass before too much socialist stew fried your brain. See you around evil trio of crones, and don't worry Bill, it's not true what they say about you being John Key –Lite, hehhehheh". Rob the Goblin snuffed his lantern and returned to the shadows.
Bill turned to the witches "Well I had better go and warn the faithful that there are troubled waters ahead and that some people will hate us, but stand firm and we will be so rich it won't matter anymore".
"That sounds about right" replied Ruth. "Toddle pip Bill and tell the next client he can come in now".
Bill walked back onto the path and motioned to the grey man wearing a light coloured suit sitting on the oak bench reading a tattered copy of I've Been thinking by Rich n Hard Prebble.
"Your turn now mate".
The man shuffled off in the direction of the witches. Bill heard Jenny Ship Shape switch back to Macbeth mode to greet the newcomer.
"Ah greetings Roger, slayer of David and Judas to the masses – you are most welcome".
"Most Welcome" the other two chimed in.
Jenny continued "Your Rodney – such a disappointment to us all. Maybe its time he went for a walk in the woods eh"?
Bill kept walking and the voices faded. 'Be patient' he thought 'that is all they ever say. Maybe I should find myself a Lady Macbeth to speed things up and restore me to my rightful place as Lord of the Forest. I wonder what Judith – Queen of the private Gulags - is doing this afternoon'?
Rob the Goblin sat muttering to himself. "Ah politicians these days boring, predictable, not like my day. It's was just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let's do the Time Warp again"!
But there was no going back and all Rob could do was blow on his whistle in frustration, which summoned the scribe of the forest 'conspiracy' Hager who was looking for material for a sequel to his disturbing bestseller The Legend of Sleepy Hollow Men.  

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