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All Blacks Tactics Explained: Secret Plans Revealed

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Dave Griffith
Dave Griffith

A secret recording has come to hand that explains the mysteries behind the All Blacks game plan.
“Hmm Graham Troubled you look”.
“Master Yoda I have followed your plan and we have lost again.”
“Hmm. My plan Graham? Did Yoda tell you to play dry weather rugby in the wet? Did Yoda tell you to run at all times and not kick the ball? Such plans I do not recall. Defeat on me you blame? Always the same, impatient you are. Yoda told you to find strength in the force. Look for strength in the conditioning programme you did. Yoda told you to give your men game time so they could  master the ways of the Force. Chose to rest them you did. Defeat on me you blame"?
“But Master Yoda we used to score lots of tries. Where has our attacking edge gone”?
“No! Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.”
“I am fearful Master Yoda of what might happen when I return to New Zealand”.
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
“I am suffering Master Yoda”
“Remember Graham a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. As you fly home over the western part of the land where John has gone to, breath deeply of his wisdom concentrate on the Force and find strength for the first press conference. Focus on the journey like John did, not the present.  Always in motion is the future”.
“And of the Dark Lords of the Rugby Union how shall I face them? John was killed for losing a semi final. The end was near when I lost a quarter final and they showed mercy. I fear they will finish me this time”. 
“Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. John is one with the Western Force now. Go now your time has not yet come………There is something else Graham? Linger you do”?
“Chancellor Haden has criticised my Padawan Steve in the Senate. He says he that being fat does not make him a forwards coach”.
“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is".
“Master Yoda I struggle with the way of the force”.
“Struggle you do Graham. Your predecessor John was strong in the force and now since he has passed on he is one with the Force. Struggle did the people to understand him but winning rugby he coached, right up until that semi final when the evil Count Jones distract him he did”.
“And the lineouts master yoda? How will I fix them”?
"Go and find your Padawan Steve’s brother Hans(en) Solo with him is the Wookiee named Chewbacca. Select him for the lineout  you must. Rip Victors head off he must not - tell him you will. With Bakkes he can do with as he wishes”.
"But what about the future Master Yoda? The World Cup? What if I lose there again"?
“Careful you must be when sensing the future Graham, the fear of loss is the path to the dark side”.
“What last advice do you have for me Master Yoda for my training sessions this week”?
“Hmm. Control, control. You must learn control”.  
“Thank you Master Yoda”.
After Graham left it appears the tape kept rolling.
Yoda: “I cannot teach him Obi-Mains. The coach has no patience”
Obi-Mains: “He will learn patience”
Yoda: “Hmm. Much anger in him like Grizz”
Obi-Mains: “We can’t blame him. It was an awful game. Did you watch it”?
Yoda: “No, record on ‘My Sky’ did I. Look at it tomorrow I might”.
Obi-Mains: "You didn’t see it? But how did you know what advice to give"?
Yoda: “Say all the same stuff to all the All Black coaches he trains Yoda does.  Get them to do all the things that wind up that Welsh git Stephen Jones from The Times”.
Obi-Mains: “So that’s the plan?
Yoda: “The plan it is”

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