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Black Caps Secret Weapon Revealed And Other Sporting Headlines

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Dave Griffith
Dave Griffith

The All Blacks, Warriors, Phoenix and Black Caps top the weekend sporting review.

Cricket: Black Caps lose to Sri Lanka but unveil secret weapon

The Black Caps radical tactics backfired as they lost to Sri Lanka in Galle. The special diet of dodgy food and forgoing net sessions for loo meditation sessions wasn’t enough to prevent defeat.
The New Zealand cricket team have unveiled their new secret weapon for the second Test to help them bat for longer periods. A spokesman for Captain Daniel Vetorri (Daniel was busy on the loo) says that “we see the Portaloo as the answer to turning around the teams batting fortunes by helping our players stay at the crease for more than a handful of overs”.
In other news, the Black Caps Nutritional Advisor Suzie from Johannesburg has been sacked. In a statement she stands by her achievements with the Black Caps, claiming “I delivered on my promise that the batsmen would ‘get the runs’ in every game.
Rugby: All Blacks do a Wallabies on the Wallabies
We have been there before. The All Blacks clinging to a lead, the Wallabies hammering the line in the dying seconds. Remember Totai Kefu? This time instead of scoring under the posts the Wallabies knocked on and the All Blacks won 19-18. We still need a few more wins like that to square the ledger on last minute Aussie heartbreaks from the past. Although the scars from John Eales injury time penalty winner at Wellington will probably never heal.
My favourite quotes from Graham Henry at Saturdays post match press conference were:
“It’s very satisfying to be the only Tri-Nations coach to win away from home so far in the competition”
“I Thought Carter was brilliant; his tactic of fluffing the drop goal near the end lulled the Wallabies into complacency that lead to the penalty that won us the game. He is a special player to have that kind of vision”.
“We looked at past tapes and saw Alexander had weak hands. We knew if we gave the Wallabies enough ball inside our 22 in the last minute, they were bound to pass it to him eventually. Sure enough it worked. Alexander knocked on and we won the game……very satisfying really”.
Soccer: Phoenix takes a point at Brisbane as home side self destructs
In a stunning display of synchronised dummy spitting the Brisbane Roar blew a comfortable position and was lucky to escape with 1-1 draw against the Wellington Phoenix. Even Roar coach Frank Farina got in on the competition to see who could get red carded first. A flurry of yellow cards for Brisbane saw Tommy Oar being crowned the eventual winner, securing the coveted ‘red card’ in the 88th minute. 
League: Warriors win secures 14th spot – Yay!
The Warriors have defeated the 13th placed Canberra Raiders to secure 14th spot in the NRL standings.
Coach Ivan Cleary looking at the point’s ladder and seeing last season’s cellar dwellers the Titans and the Bulldogs near the top has cunningly manoeuvred his team into 14th place in order to launch an assault on the
NRL Premiership next season. Call it déjà vu but I think we have been here before.  
Athletics: Usain Bolt required to take sex test after 200m triumph
After winning Gold again at the World Track and Field Championships, Usain Bolt has been required to undergo a sex test to confirm he is really a man. It is not known who will carry out the test, but the number of possible women volunteering their services has been whittled down from an initial field of 750,000 to a shortlist of 78,246. It is understood that the prospect of another world record performance from Bolt is behind the strong level of interest.
Cricket: Australia Lose Ashes
After years of supporting anyone playing Australia only to watch the Aussies win, this blogger went over to the dark side and supported them against the Poms. In what can only be described as poor timing in jumping on the ocker bandwagon, at least I can offer my services in helping Ricky come to terms with the strange new world of losing. Even an ageing Warnie texting between deliveries would have been enough to roll this ordinary Pommie outfit. Shame on you Ricky for luring me in with the promise of Pom bashing, only to collapse like the Black Caps. I smell Rajiv the bookmaker from Mumbai behind this one.
Football: Leeds United Make it 4 from 4
The mighty Leeds United have scored a sensational 3-0 win over a star studded Tranmere Rovers to lie second in League One after four games. Who needs the Premiership or the Championship? League One is the home of real football. Where else do you get to watch Huddersfield, Wycombe and Brentford? Ok I am still hurting.   


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