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Marvin the Martian Signs to Play Rugby for Wellington

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Dave Griffith
Dave Griffith

After two millennia of trying to destroy Earth, Marvin the Martian is answering the SOS sent out from Wellington for rugby players who can catch the ball.

After the most embarrassing defeat in their history, the Wellington Rugby Union with the blessing of the NZRFU (who has similar problems with the All Blacks) has cast the net far wider than it has before in its search for rugby players that can demonstrate that most fundamental skill requirement in the game after having a pulse – that of catching.
Apparently Marvin’s mother noticed the advert and brought it to her son’s attention. As every conspiracy theorist and nutter knows the Martians have been coming here for years and living among us, taking on Earth body shapes and identities.
The well known Red Planet women’s magazine Martian Chicks Day reports the following expose story of the shocking truth behind Marvin’s decision to switch from planet destroyer to rugby player.
“Marvin, look here there is an advert for rugby players on Earth”
“I have been trying to destroy the Earth if you haven’t noticed Mum. If you had been more supportive of my development of the illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator I might have achieved it by now”.
“Well Marvin its time you did something positive with your life. Oh look the advert is from New Zealand. It says the Wellington Rugby team guarantees selection for anyone that can catch the ball when it is passed or kicked to them. No experience necessary”.
“New Zealand is where Cousin Zork ended up. He took the Earth name Rodney Hide and has done very well for himself in politics despite being by far the most stupid of my cousins. It sounds like New Zealand is a land of opportunity Marvin”.
Will there be lots of Kaboom’s Mother? There must be earth shattering Kaboom’s”.
“Yes Marvin lots of Kaboom’s in rugby”.
“Oh goody! Can I take my illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator with me”?
“No Marvin, I don’t think you will get a planet destroying weapon past Earth customs”.
“What Earth name should I take mummy”?
“I think we will call you Jonah Lomu. That’s a good rugby name. He was a famous player from Jupiter who made it big on Earth a while back”.
“Jonah Lomu it is. Oh I’m so excited is Wellington a good rugby team mum”?
“They can be but at the moment they are crap. Canterbury has stolen their special shield and taken it back to Christchurch. I hear Bugs Bunny is thinking of signing for Canterbury too”
“Shield stealers and Bugs Bunny. This makes me very angry, very angry indeed."
“Anger is good in rugby Marvin, but not as important as catching the ball”.
So there it is. Can Marvin show the Wellington players how to catch the ball and help them win back ‘the shield’ from the evil Cantabrians? Probably not, unless he locks Richie, Dan and Brad in the changing rooms before the game.
P.S. “Look Marvin, this is even more exciting, it also says here that Leeds United beat Colchester  2-1 in the Earth English League One Football game last Saturday. Now that is serious Kaboom”.

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