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Tri-Nations: Shock New Commentary Pairing as Boks Down All Blacks

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Contributor:
Dave Griffith
Dave Griffith
Graham and Peter

“Welcome to Bloemfontein, I'm Rupert Murdoch. In my capacity as owner of Southern Hemisphere rugby, I have put the two coaches together in a dynamic new pay per view commentary team”.

“So we have Peter de Villiers that lovable larrikin funny guy teamed with the straight guy Graham Henry. He’s grumpy on the outside and…..well he’s grumpy on the inside too. I’ll hand you over to Peter now”.
 
“Thanks Rupert. So, Graham hows the build up been this week?
 
“Hi Peter, it’s been a good build up this week the boys have trained well. They are familiar with his trip to South Africa now. They had a bruising test last week and we have taken that into account in our preparation for this game. What about you Peter”?
 
“Oh Graham, you always say the same things. You should let me write some lines for you. I have got so much stuff I can’t use it all, especially since SARFU has put the gag on me”.
 
“You know using the bible was a big thing for us. When we played the Lions I was reading from the book of Judges to the boys. It was about Samson and how he was attacked by a lion, but with his strength he tore it apart. The boys wanted to kill a Lion too but I said no……this is rugby we don’t do that. When we read on about when the Philistines captured Samson and gouged out his eyes, Schalk got excited and wanted to try that. So I said I can’t tell you what to do. All I will say is that this is not ballet”.
 
“When SARFU told me to stop talking about the bible I was confused. I said what am I supposed to do now? The boys have been practising with their slings and small stones all week. Now you say we have to do something different? But you know what Graham they are hypocrites, because they said I couldn’t use the bible,  then they say we just want you to go out and crucify the bas###ds”.
 
“Shut it Peter. Look we have kicked a penalty. Marvellous kick from Donald. He’s been under pressure, had a good game last week and showed marvellous composure there. All Blacks 3 Springboks 0”.
 
“Well Francois has just got one too. And that Ruan is so talented he has hit two against the posts just to show his accuracy before landing one to take the lead. Springboks 6 All Blacks 3”.
 
“Attacking scrum All Blacks. Very good is Brendon, brings a lot of energy to the game. Crooked feed? What the…..Well I suppose you just have to play to the referee. Smart player is Brendon he won’t make that mistake twice. Attacking scrum again to the All Blacks - Leonard feeds……#%%&^*&".
 
"Oh look Graham! It looks like South Africa is going to score"!
 
“Brilliant tackle by Conrad Smith – Quality player. Thinks a lot about the game”.
 
"Pienaars got the ball now, Ruan Pienaar scores in the corner! Graham what I can’t understand is why your outside defence ran away from the corner? Please could you talk us through it"?
 
"Well Peter as you know we have trained well all week. Joe is a talented player he’s worked hard to get back into the side. Got a bit confudsed with his left and right. Well who hasn’t? The coaching staff will look at the whole left and right thing and make adjustments for next week".
 
"Look Graham another penalty to Francois for South Africa. I am so excited I can’t think of the maths, but I think its 14-3 to South Africa".
 
"Yes Peter and that’s half time. Please excuse me for a minute, I just need to go and have a chat to my players".
 
"Welcome Back Graham. You look a bit flushed. Everthing all right"?
 
"Fine Peter. As you know we have trained well all week. I had a word to the team. Its just a matter of executing the game plan, eliminating the errors and trying to put pressure on the opposition".
 
"Ah Graham you are so boring. I told my boys to covet thy neighbours ball and lie on their side of the ruck with it".
 
"Thought you were banned from the bible"?
 
"I am leading the All Blacks I can say what I like now. Speaking of leading this is such fun. Look Morne Steyn has kicked a penalty. That’s 17-3 to South Africa".
 
“Huh! Conrad Smith Quality player – very good thinker of the game. Beats three to score near the posts. Converted by Donald – been under a lot of pressure and responded well. All Blacks only behind by 7. Make that 4. Donald – quality player been under a lot of pressure and responded well- kicks penalty from the sideline. All Blacks 14- South Africa 17. There’s 30 minutes to go. Big momentum shift here”.
 
"Not so fast Graham. Steyn’s just landed another penalty. 20-13 to South Africa".
 
"One back for us. Donald - has been under a lot of pressure and responded well – kicks another penalty. 20-16 to South Africa".
 
"All Blacks on the attack now. Ruck formed inside the 22. Piri looking left and right, then left and right again - organising his forwards. Marvellous composure and patience, building nicely. Here it comes now, passes to Eaton…..SH#T %@*&/@@%!!".
 
"Oh look Graham! Spies has kicked the ball ahead. Now Jaque Fourie has got it he’s running down the touch line. Oh look at him run Graham he is magnificent. Try to South Africa! Look at the crowd celebrating Graham!
 
“%$&^^%!#^%#/!%^&#%#^%#^$&&^%”
 
"Its ok Graham. Morne has missed the conversion and see….you have kicked a penalty. At least you will get a bonus point now".
 
"Oh I am sorry Graham that’s another penalty to us. Let me try and work this out now……..so that’s 28 for South Africa….. and 19 for New Zealand. Argh I don’t know, do you still get a bonus point"?
 
“$#@^%$^*&^%$&@&^%# get this little pri#k out of here”
 
“Graham don’t be like that now. I’ll see you at the press conference later yeah”?
 
"%$&^#$*%#&^%$&^%#$/&&^$*^$&".

 

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