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Tri-Nations: Springboks Beat Wallabies-Shrek Arrested

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Dave Griffith
Dave Griffith

With rugby ratings falling, Sky TV is beaming into new markets in an attempt to boost the audience for its overdone product. 

After two months of Skysport there has already been a profound change in the social order of things in the Swamp.  Princess Fiona - unable to get a hold of the remote has moved in frustration back to her parents in Far Far Away so she can watch the Living Channel and Rialto.
Shrek now calling himself Shrek Hansen and supporting the All Blacks has got in a couple of flatmates. Donkey supports the Springboks and Big Bad Wolf likes the whole ‘dingo thing’ and supports the Wallabies.
Lord Farquaad in his obsession with enforcing the rules has opened up an international refereeing stud farm and stocked it with fine Northern Hemisphere whistle blowers. He plans to churn out a whole new generation of refs, with extra large lungs for whistling, graceful skyward arm movements for awarding penalties, and a whole new range of yellow and red ‘card tricks’ to dazzle the crowd with. 
Farquaad has formed a business partnership with the Three Blind Mice Assistant Referees School who are doing excellent things with touch judges – teaching them to pretend they see everything, point a flag at the field of play, and despite having no tails of their own to speak of, they have got plenty of tales to tell the ref.   
So it’s Sunday morning in the Swamp, Donkey gazing into the mirror. “Mmmm Donkey you are looking good today. Yes you are you are No.1 in the world you are. A noble Springbok..…that’s right a noble Springbok. Hey Shrek don’t you think that am looking like a World Champion today? Like a World Cup winning, noble Springbok today"?
“Shut it Donkey, just remember who pays for the Sky subscription”.
“So Shrek, where is Big Bad Wolf this morning anyway? I wanted to discuss last night’s game. Who won AGAIN? I say who won AGAIN? Oh that’s right the Springboks won again”.
“Sorry Donkey, Big Bad Wolf has yellow carded himself and gone to look for Red Riding Hood, then he was off to Pinocchio’s to watch the Ashes and see Australia winning something.
“Oh that’s a shame we had so much to talk about, like how he started doing the victory howl after 4 minutes when the Wallabies scored”. I am listening Shrek. I am listening real hard and I can’t hear that victory howl. Does that mean what I think it means? Oh yes the SPRINGBOKS WON AGAIN. Oh I like the sound of that”.
“Hey Donkey, it’s my house, I pay the Sky sub, so in the strongest language available to me in a ‘G’ Rated movie I am telling you to stick a hoof in your mouth and keep it there, because if I have to listen to you for the next few weeks I might just accidentally tell Dragon where you are hiding and how you always say how much you like it when she’s on top”.
“Now don’t be like that Shrek, it’s only a game it’s just a game of Rugby, can’t help it if I am an excitable guy backing the winners. I know you are bluffing now. Dragon won’t come near me since she saw Peter de Villiers with that cute little moustache, she’s only got the hots for him now. But because I care about you as a friend now Shrek, because I respect the way you stuck by the All Blacks all through the flat backline, rotation and conditioning phases I will stick a hoof in my mouth".
"Look its going in now"……………...Silence………………………………….”I can’t do this Shrek…………not even for you. When you are No.1 in the World, the reigning World Champion and soon to be new Tri-Nations champion you can’t stay quiet. I want the whole swamp to know”.
“Right….. That’s it Donkey I am off to Pinocchio’s to watch the cricket too”.     
“Oh you are going to be disappointed there Shrek. You are always telling me that Ogres….ah… like onions. Well Onions is in the English team and they are losing. They are losing bad Shrek - ain’t no way back form where they are.
“Hey maybe that’s good therapy for you. If Ogres have layers like onions, then for you this it’s just like layers of….well…there ain’t no easy way to say this Shrek……..LOSING.  The All Blacks lose a couple of times, then we have a layer of the Warriors losing to Gold Coast , the Phoenix chime in against Newcastle with another losing layer then you go and watch ‘onion boy’ losing in the Ashes. You have got so many layers Shrek that you must be one big onion ogre right now. Hey Shrek what you doing with that axe? Don’t go all feral on me now Shrek….. its just sport….its just a game….its not real life…….”
News Flash -  Swamp Times – Police have been called to a ‘domestic incident’ at a house in the swamp. A badly injured Donkey has been rushed to hospital. It is understood an ogre has been taken into custody and police are not looking for anyone else in relation to the disturbance. Police do have concerns though for Red Riding Hood, who has been missing now for 7 hours. She was last seen early this morning leaving home to visit her Grandmother.  
Prince ‘Lachlan’ Charming-Murdoch speaking on behalf of his father King Rupert – Owner of everything including Far Far Away Sky Television, denies that there is any connection between the introduction of televised sport and the recent upsurge in domestic violence.

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